Osama Bin Laden dies of natural causes* age 54
The world’s best known terrorist and top man on the FBI’s Most Wanted Fugitives List, Osama bin Laden, has died overnight in Pakistan of what has been described by U.S. troops as a fortuitous lead overdose.
The long time al-Qaeda leader and architect of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks was inadvertently exposed to dangerously high volumes of lead after his kidney dialysis machine was noticed on a battlefield in Pakistan, making him an easy target for U.S. troops.
President Obama announced the news of Osama’s death to a grateful nation, leading to thousands of people taking to the streets to show their support for the U.S. governments’ astute decision to allocate trillions of dollars of their tax monies to find and assassinate one man.
54yr old Bin Laden rose to fame during the early nineties when he turned his back on his wealthy Saudi family and Scientology beliefs to pursue his lifelong dream of winning a major prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos. Over the past decade Osama appeared in over a dozen poorly shot home videos that terrorised the western world with their atrocious storylines and poor production values.
However Osama’s hopes of being crowned a grand prize winner on Americas Funniest Home Videos were dashed after his long time table tennis partner Al Zarqawi died in 2006 after several thousand pounds of TNT accidentally fell on him.
As Osama’s second in charge, Al Zarqawi had won fame within al-Qaeda for producing Osama’s short films, but was believed to have been losing respect within the terrorist community prior to his death after he consistently failed to get even a single one of Osama’s video’s to go viral on YouTube.
At a White House press conference earlier this evening President Obama had the honour of bringing to a close the decade long chase to find and kill Osama. Former US President Bill Clinton started the ball rolling to assassinate Bin Laden back in 1998, and George W prematurely ejaculated ‘Mission Accomplished’ eight years ago to the day, but it was President Obama who had the last laugh.
Obama told the nation “Tonight we are once again reminded that America can do whatever it is we set our mind to. That is the story of our history,” however his comment has raised questions within the game show community as to whether the U.S. governments targeting of Bin Laden was simply their way of ensuring Osama never stole an Americas Funniest Home Videos prize off a more worthy American.
The news of Osama’s death has met with mixed reactions across the nation. Fox News correspondent Mike Hunt was booed out of the room at the White House press conference after questioning the validity of the report of Osama’s death, and New Zealand correspondent Helen Clarke was ridiculed after suggesting that Jack Bauer would have been a far cheaper and faster option for removing Osama.
Several of President Obama’s dyslexic militant opponents had their hopes dashed after joining the protests only to find out that it was Osama that had actually died, leading them to hang their heads in shame and return to their trailer homes to no doubt have sex with their sisters whilst cleaning and oiling their firearms as their nine-toed children ironed their sheets for the weekends next Klan meeting.
It is still unclear as to whether today’s news will bring an end to major combat operations in Iraq and speed up the return of coalition troops, but what is certain is that the world is down one more bad man and that’s great news for freedom.
*NATURAL CAUSES: – adjective
- 1. Death by coalition troops after starting a war on terror
- 2. A good way for a bad man to die